The Art of Intentional and Successful Communication

Sonia Portwood (00:06): Hello, and welcome to this episode of Banking Out Loud. I'm your host, Sonia Portwood, and today we're going to be talking about communication, the importance of it and also the skills that you can use to improve your communication with others. Whether you're talking to a colleague or a customer, or even a friend or loved one, we all know how important communication is. It can either be extremely beneficial or it can be extremely detrimental. And then you have to factor in all these different communication channels that are being used today, and so many personalities, and so many preferences, different generations talking to each other. One single way of communicating is not going to work for everyone. I think we all know that. So, it's very important that we're conscious of who we're speaking with and what message we are trying to get across. We've invited someone here today that we feel is going to help us through all of this. Her name is Alyson Van Hooser. Alyson is a keynote, trainer, author, and she's focused on defining multi-generational leadership. Of course, communication is an important piece of successful leadership, so she's going to teach us her ways. She's going to share with us how we can be better communicators and how we can better connect with those we communicate with. Alyson, welcome to our podcast. Alyson Van Hooser (01:37): Thank you so much. From one Southern woman to another,- Sonia Portwood (01:41): (laughs) Alyson Van Hooser (01:43): ... it's good to be with you today. Sonia Portwood (01:45): I know, I love that. Alyson Van Hooser (01:46): (laughs) Sonia Portwood (01:47): ... we're thrilled to have you here with us today. Alyson Van Hooser (01:50): Thank you so much. Sonia Portwood (01:52): So, Alyson, why don't you take just a minute before we get started and tell us a little bit about yourself and, and how you became a trainer and speaker on communication. Alyson Van Hooser (02:04): Sure. Well, I think the moment, sort of a defining moment that comes to mind is whenever I was in my 20s, I was serving as a city council woman in my hometown, and my term was coming to an end, and I had a decision to make, people were asking me if I would run for mayor. And I knew that if I took that position on, that was not a part-time job. And I was a banker at the time, I had been in banking for five years. One of the things I love most about the banking industry is that they encourage their employees to get involved in the community, to make a positive difference. So I'm in the banking industry, I'm serving as a city council woman, juggling the idea of potentially going into politics full time. And I called someone who I would say to this day is the biggest influence in my life, personally and professionally, my father-in-law. His name is Phillip Van Hooser. (03:00): Now, if you've been in the banking industry for any amount of time, that name may ring a bell to you. Um, Phil is my father-in-law still today, but he's also my business partner. We, together, own a training and development company. He's been doing that for over 35 years. But at the time, we were not business partners, he was simply my father-in-law. I call him and say, "Phil, what do I do? What do you think I should do?" He's basically filled the father role in my life since I was 16 years old. And in one way or another, he just basically said, "You know, since I met you, and as a teenager, I've been telling you that you've got a gift, you've got a personal story that I think a lot of people would benefit from hearing and learning from." (03:45): And it was from there that I decided to come into business with Phil, and we're working together even now, even this morning to train and develop people across the country, from their leadership skills to their planning, communication and execution skills. That's what has landed me here, and I could not be more thrilled to be able to add some value to your audience today, Sonia. Sonia Portwood (04:11): Alyson, I don't think I knew that you were in politics in our previous conversations. That's interesting, we'll have to talk more about that later. So, tell us a little bit, let's talk a little bit and set the stage and talk about just how important communication is. Alyson Van Hooser (04:24): You started off this episode in your introduction, you mentioned that I do leadership development work, and an element of that is communication. And I would say, that element runs through almost every single thing we do as organizational leaders. It runs through, it should run through how we make decisions, because we have to think, how are we gonna communicate those? It should run through how we walk into a room, because even our body language is communicating something. And I think something that I've learned just through my life is that if you can learn to communicate and influence anybody, you can impact and achieve everyone. And taking that focus into my career now, when I look back over my career in banking and in insurance, and in politics, through all of it, I think th- the thing that made me so successful... And I'm not, I am nobody special, we are all the same, but if we can elevate our skills, then we can do really cool things. (05:24): And so I think the thing that I've been able to do that there was an element of a gift there that I've been able to develop strategically is to be able to communicate and connect with people. And I'm seeing that over the past five years doing this training work that when people understand how to correctly connect with people they like, people they don't like, people who are like them and people who are totally different, when they can connect with people at every level of an organization through strategic communication, then they can achieve any goal possible. But it takes you being really intentional about what you say and a- how you act in front of other people. (06:04): And so I like to say I'm on a sold out mission to develop highly effective leaders at every level of organizations, and that starts with adapting our communication. And Sonia, we'll get into this, but adapting your communication has never been more challenging, because the workforce in a post-pandemic world is more diverse than it ever has been. So I have a strategy, we'll talk about this, to help you make sure that when you adapt, that you're doing it correctly, that you're not hoping or assuming that you do it correctly, but rather, you gift yourself an unfailing compass for exactly what to say and do to connect with someone. Sonia Portwood (06:43): You say, use the term intentional, I like that term, you have to be intentional about everyone you speak to because they come from different backgrounds, they're, all ages, especially in banking. We have such a broad spectrum of, age groups in banking. How do you think best we could describe to the people listening today how they can be intentional and what they need to know to be successful in the communication with the diverse group of people they're speaking with? Alyson Van Hooser (07:12): I'm gonna give you a phrase, Sonia, uh, a phrase that just rings in my mind as I'm interacting with people every day. I'm always wondering, what's the story? And when I think about adapting our communication, one of the most effective strategies you can implement is start seeing people in terms of what's their story. Because it's in a person's story, and I don't... when I say story, I don't mean their resume. Like you might be able to regurgitate somebody's resume, what they've been doing over the past 20 years, maybe where they worked before, other positions that they've had or what they're responsible for. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about getting to know a person's personally story, because it's in those stories that you find clues to how to better communicate with them. I, I have a teacher who taught me to do that really well, Sonia. And if you'd like, I would love to tell you a story to illustrate just how powerful it can be to get to know someone's story with an intentional focus of learning how to better communicate and connect with them. Sonia Portwood (08:19): I'd love to hear it. Alyson Van Hooser (08:20): Oh, gosh. Okay. Uh, uh, a question for anybody listening is, have you ever had a teacher who made a difference in your life? Sonia Portwood (08:32): I think everybody on this call's probably gonna say yes in one way or another. Alyson Van Hooser (08:36): I would totally agree. And it doesn't matter if I'm talking to an audience of 10, if it's an executive team, or if it's 10,000, hands always go up in the air. I'd love to tell you a story about a teacher. I like to say that this is a story about a teacher who chose to be a leader. And the world is desperate for more leaders who are intentional about the way they impact the people around them. My teacher, her name was Ms. Kristy Conger, if I could paint a picture of her for you, she's about my height, she's about five foot three, she has brown, curly, voluminous hair. She has crystal blue eyes and wears bright pink lipstick. When I think about Ms. Conger, I like to say there are no words this side of heaven for Ms. Conger. I remember everything about my third-grade teacher. This is 25 plus years ago. I even remember that her classroom smelled like red Starbursts. (9:20): I remember so much about Ms. Conger because she changed the way I thought about my future personally and professionally. Yes, she was a third-grade teacher and she had that impact on my life. I... When I think about Ms. Conger, I think about something she did every day. As a teacher, in order for Ms. Conger to be successful, at least for a teacher way back in the 1900s, (laughs) Ms. Conger needed her students to learn, grow and test well. In Kentucky, that's where I'm from, students would take a test in the fall and then they would take a test again in the spring, and they would need to test better from the fall to the spring. Their scores would need to go up. And that would be an element of proof that the teacher was successful, that she had done her job well. She would be rewarded based on that. The only challenge was that at, in third grade, I was not going to school to learn and grow. Sonia Portwood (10:27): (laughs) Alyson Van Hooser (10:28): Which I realize may be- Sonia Portwood (10:30): (laughs) Alyson Van Hooser (10:31): Yeah, I was not. Instead, at eight years old, I was going to school for two reasons. Number one, free food. I didn't always know if I would have dinner at home, but I knew that if I would get myself up and I'd get myself on that stinky bus, that I could get to school and I would at least have free breakfast, free lunch, because we qualified from that from an income standpoint. And then second reason was safety. At least way back then, everybody thought schools were safe. I felt it was safe if I went to school. My experience had been that if I will just get out of this house and go to school, then I can at least just relax for a little while. Nobody's gonna... Nobody's gonna mess with me there. I can just be a kid. (11:15): But imagine the kid in the classroom who could not care less about learning and growing. I was worried about hanging out with my friends and being a kid. I was in fact no help to Ms. Conger achieving her goal. And as bankers, you may have people on your team who are no help in you achieving your goal. And yet, they're on your team and you need them to come, stay and go all in with you to, in order to achieve the goal. The bank's success, the school's success, Ms. Conger's success, your role, you need your team to go all in with you and give their best. (11:48): Now, there was a gap. How do we fix that gap? Ms. Conger did something really simple that every single one of us can do. She simply got to know our story, and every time she heard a story, she'd pause for a moment and considered what I call the paramount need. My latest book is all about the paramount need. It, i- it's, it's built on the reality that if you start seeing people in terms of their story and you're looking intentionally for the paramount need, then that serves as your compass for how to interact and communicate with them in a way that actually connects you with them. Ms. Conger did that very simply, she'd start off the class, she'd tell her own story. From a communication perspective, this is the only time I tell leaders to talk first, because if you are willing to tell your story, then people are more willing to tell you theirs, especially if you tell a vulnerable story. (12:41): Ms. Conger, though, she would keep it light, keep it simple. She would, for example, start off the class one day and she'd say, "All right, class, story for the day, what'd you have for dinner last night?" She said, "So last night, I made Kentucky Fried Chicken." I'm making that up, but she would say, "I made Kentucky Fried Chicken. Now, all throughout the day, I want you to come to my desk and you got 10 seconds to tell me what you had for dinner last night." And so all the kids would be thinking, "All right, I gotta tell a story, gotta tell a story. What'd I have?" And she'd call them up one by one in private. And she said, "All right, what'd you have?" And one kid might say to her, "Well, last night my mom, uh, made baked chicken and asparagus and Brussels sprouts, and my dad made us drink water, and it was disgusting." And she would slide them one of those Starbursts that she kept on her desk, she would slide over a piece of candy to them and send them on about their way. They were happy. (13:30): And so she'd just pause for a moment and considered, "Okay, mom, dad, never mention of siblings, only child, got it." And then went on. The next kid would come up, and they would say something like, "Uh, Ms. Conger, last night I had dinner at the ball field. It's my week at my dad's and my stepbrother had a baseball game. So I had a hot dog and a Coke and got to play on the dirt pile all night. It was awesome." And great, slides them another little treat, sends them on about their way. And she pauses for just a moment and considers, "Okay, split home, still fed, has siblings." And she can see even there why now little Johnny might be more willing to share than little Sarah who is an only kid. She's thinking about people in terms of their story, why do they do what they do? (14:15): And then she'd call me up, and I probably said this too many times, I probably just nonchalantly walked up to her desk and said, "We didn't have anything to eat last night, but my dad didn't actually make us come in, I got to stay out as late as I wanted, and it was awesome." And then Ms. Conger, she's so sweet, she'd pull out like the bottom drawer of more substantial snacks and slide me a little something extra to eat and send me on about my way. And then she'd pause for just a moment and consider, "N- She never mentioned a mom, she said her dad never called her inside and no dinner." And she just considered, "What does this kid need right now in order to get them to learn and grow? 'Cause that's gonna be good for them and good for me." (15:00): And as an aside, I believe when leaders are more focused on helping other people, not just for their own good but for the good of their people too, then success has a way of coming back and finding you. Alyson Van Hooser (15:10): Do you agree with that? Sonia Portwood (15:12): Oh, I've witnessed it throughout my career over and over again. Alyson Van Hooser (15:15): Sonia, one day I'm gonna get you to tell me your stories. Sonia Portwood (15:18): (laughs) Alyson Van Hooser (15:20): Ms. Conger, though, I'll be very quick with this, Ms. Conger ended up asking me to stay after school one day. She asked me if I wanted her to fix my hair for picture day. And I didn't have a mom at home, nobody was making sure my hair was fixed, we couldn't afford the picture. I didn't think anything about picture day until that year. When she offered that to me, I thought, "Well, yes, like this is gonna be the picture that changes my life for the better." Sonia Portwood 15:45): (laughs) Alyson Van Hooser (15:46): I was so excited. One of the things I'll never forget about that is while I was sitting behind Ms. Conger's desk, Ms. Conger did something that I see very few adults do today. I was sitting down with her, and Ms. Conger gave me her full attention. She didn't try to multitask, she didn't try to check her email or look at her watch real quick, I remember her co-teacher Stacey, her favorite person at work, opened the door to the classroom and started to talk to Ms. Conger, and I remember Ms. Conger was looking me dead in the eyes, never looked away, but stuck her hand up in the air to sort of shoo Stacey away, and said, "Not right now, Stacey, I'm with Alyson." And I remember feeling like the most important person in the room. (16:32): I wonder how many people can say that about you that when they come to talk with you, they're the most important person to you. Because that causes someone to act differently and think differently about you, to be more willing to go all in with you when they know they matter. Sonia Portwood (16:47): Yeah. Alyson Van Hooser (16:49): Ms. Conger, though, we f- finished it up, I get, ready for school the next day, I'm doing my hair, trying to make it look really nice. And if you can imagine, I take all these sponge rollers out,- Sonia Portwood (17:01): (laughs) Alyson Van Hooser (17:02): ... and all of my hair is curly and voluminous, and I'm thinking, as a little kid, it was the first time I remember my hair being fixed, and I'm just thinking, "I have to make this stay." And so I remember pulling out a can of mousse and putting mousse, wet mousse all over my dry hair from root to tip,- Sonia Portwood (17:19): (laughs) Alyson Van Hooser (17:20): ... making sure I didn't miss a strand of hair, and my hair went from being voluminous and curly to matted down to my head. I knew though that I had no option but to still go to school and get that picture taken. And so I do that, and I remember turning that corner thinking, "Ms. Conger's gonna kill me 'cause I messed up all this work that she did on my hair." But when I turned the corner and met eyes with Ms. Conger, she paused for a second, she was shocked at what she was seeing, I'm sure. Sonia Portwood (17:49): (laughs) Alyson Van Hooser (17:50): But then in true Kristy Conger fashion, she threw her arms open and came running to me and just wrapped her arms around me in the tightest hug. And I can remember that, and I have chills even now, because that was the moment that changed everything. 'Cause I'm standing there in the hallway in her arms, chaos around me, and my little mind is thinking, first, "I wonder if this is love, to actually matter to somebody." For you to then mess up and they still wanna come and be with you, that was so different from what I knew at home. And I just remember thinking as a little kid, I thought what I knew at home was love, and I wanted no part of that. (18:29): But in the arms of Ms. Conger in that moment, I thought, "Hold on, if this is love, then maybe one day I do want a family." And I'm sitting here right now, Sonia, and I'm a mom of four and a wife. And I think that dream started right then, because someone chose to serve me, connect with me in a way that was unorthodox, that took a little bit more time. Not much, but a little bit more time and intentionality behind how we interact with people. It was outside of her job description, but because she did that, she changed my life, and four more little lives were added to the world. (19:04): But then the business aspect of this strategy, I started showing up to school differently from that point forward. Before, I was going to school for two reasons: free food and safety. But from that moment forward, I started showing up to school saying, "How can I be great for Ms. Conger? What does she need from me? How can I be more helpful? Maybe I can be the first person to learn all my multiplication tables or get every question, even the bonus right on the spelling test. Maybe she would be proud if I was in gifted and talented." So I started studying at home trying to get there. (19:36): And what I say to business professionals today is that when you s- go to work every day, yes, you y- what you do from a technical aspect, that may be your purpose, but what if your purpose is more meaningful than that? What if how you interact with people is actually going to change someone's life? And with that in mind, it makes getting out of bed a little easier. It makes all the work worth it, the stress, the fear, the unknown of it all worth it when you're making a real difference in someone's life. (20:09): And, and wouldn't it be nice if all of our teams showed up every day saying, "How can I be great for you? What else can I do to be more helpful? How can I level up and go the extra mile to be... to help this organization be more successful?" I meet professionals across the country that are desperate for a highly engaged team, and it can be achieved with the right focus from the beginning of being an intentional leader focused on uncovering someone's story to laser focus on the paramount need. Mine was just to know I mattered to somebody. I can't tell you what yours or anyone else's paramount need is. You have to go get to know the story and just consider for a moment what you heard, which may focus what you do going forward. Sonia Portwood (20:53): I just wanted to comment on a couple of things you said. You talk about what's a person paramount need, and you talked about giving them your undivided attention. When I moved to California, I didn't have a job, and I had been a banker in Mississippi for a very long time and was interviewing with community banks. I was on my second or third interview, and I was meeting with the president, in his office. And in the middle of our interview, he took a personal phone call- Alyson Van Hooser (21:18): Oh. Sonia Portwood (21:19): They offered me the position and I declined. Alyson Van Hooser (21:22): Wow. Sonia Portwood (21:23): I know how busy people are in their day, and I know how much they have to do, but your biggest asset is your staff. Alyson Van Hooser (21:31): Mm-hmm. Sonia Portwood (21:32): And From my experience, if you can simply put aside everything else that you're doing when you're talking to one of them and truly focus and truly listen to them, they're gonna respect you so much more. Alyson Van Hooser (21:46): Yes. Sonia Portwood (21:47): And as you said, if you can be vulnerable when you're talking to people, it relaxes them where they feel they can be vulnerable with you as well. Alyson Van Hooser (21:55): Absolutely. you'll probably never forget that guy. Just like I remember Ms. Conger, people don't forget how you make them feel. Sonia Portwood (22:02): Yeah, absolutely, it's always about the way you make them feel. Sonia Portwood (22:07): I also know you have a three-step listening technique, and I was wondering if you would share those with us today. Alyson Van Hooser (22:16): Absolutely. So this three step listening technique, this is something that you can immediately implement and that you can teach to everyone in your organization. This process is gonna make sure that the action gets you the result that you want. So the three step listening technique, step number one is the look. Now, this is simple, yet profound, the look. Next time someone comes to talk with you, square up with them, eye to eye, face to face, parallel with them, you are looking them right in the eye. You are not trying to multitask, you are not looking at your watch, taking a call real quick. You are not answering emails saying, "I can type and listen at the same time." Instead, they get your full attention. (23:00): Now, if you are under the age of 40 and you're like, "Ugh, look them in the eyes the whole time, that is gonna feel like forever. What if it gets awkward?" Here's what I'd say, if you are looking in them in the eye the whole time, it may be awkward for you, but it will not be awkward for them. And as a leader, sometimes you have to get over yourself and focus more on how you impact them rather than how you feel. (23:22): You will also not do something like say, "Walk with me, talk with me," because then you're sending this message of, "Sure, I'll listen to you, but what I've gotta do is still more important." You stop what you're doing, you square up, you look them in the eye, that's step number one, the look. (23:37): Then there's step number two, the pause. After they're finished talking, they will give you a sign that it's time to go to step number two, the pause. They're gonna ask you some sort of question, they're gonna say something like, "So do you agree, Sonia? Do you... Do I have your permission?", et cetera. And that is your sign that you go to step number two. And the pause is gonna last for three to five seconds. Now, when you shift to the pause, you're also gonna break eye contact, because I don't want you to stand there for three to five seconds looking them dead in the eye, (laughs) because that would be awkward. Instead, you're going to break eye contact, you'll look down at the floor, the wall, the ceiling, something, and you're gonna do one of two things. you're going to consider what they said to you. Or, let's say this is the 20th time you've heard this today, you immediately know the answer, you're still going to pause for three to five seconds. And maybe in your head you're just doing, "One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi." Sonia Portwood (24:34): (laughs) Alyson Van Hooser (24:35): I don't care, because the priority here is that you make the other person feel heard. And if you spout off with a quick answer, they might feel like you didn't listen, you didn't care, you didn't take time to think about what they said. So you're gonna pause three to five seconds, and then you're gonna go to step number three. So s- Sonia Portwood (24:51): it's also a great way to keep from talking over people. Alyson Van Hooser (24:55): Ooh. I agree. I agree. Because once you start inserting your thoughts, they're wondering if you're now thinking about what they said or if you're back off to yourself thinking about whatever you think. Sonia Portwood (25:09): Right. Alyson Van Hooser (25:10): So we have the look, the pause, and then we go to step number three, the question. And if you do this correctly, there should be no more communication breakdowns, you will say, "Let me make sure I understood this correctly." So it puts them on offense, not defense. (25:28): Ultimately, the question, you're restating what they asked you to make sure that there's no communication breakdown. The look, the pause, the question. Easy to remember, easy to teach, harder to execute, but I hope that everybody listening to this today will find value in that Sonia Portwood (25:44): Alyson, those are great. I just wanna mention here, these steps can be used in talking to your boss, to a peer, to anyone within the organization inside or out. Alyson Van Hooser (25:58): Absolutely. Sonia Portwood (26:00): I think that is a great takeaway . I wanna go back over some of the things we talked about just to summarize. first we need to be intentional, Alyson Van Hooser (26:09): Yes, ma'am. Intentional leaders. And, When we talk about leadership at Van Hooser Associates, we believe that leadership has nothing to do with position and everything to do with being intentional about how you impact someone else at any level of the organization or in your community. Sonia Portwood (26:26): Exactly. And then if you can find their paramount need by opening up to them first, if you have the opportunity. it will help you communicate with them going forward. It will help all interactions Alyson Van Hooser (26:41): Yes. And the paramount need is, it's c- it's simple, yet profound, and can be applied in so many different ways. Sonia Portwood (26:49): And then when you're in conversation with someone, it's the three step listening technique I wanna challenge everybody on this call to go and try this out and see how it effects the relationship between you and your coworkers. So let's go over them one more time. Alyson Van Hooser (27:07): Three step listening technique. Step number one, the look. You're gonna give them your full attention. Step number two, the pause. The pause is gonna last three to five seconds for you to think about what they're saying or make sure that they feel heard. And then step number three is the question, to make sure that you in fact did understand them correctly. The look, the pause, the question. Sonia Portwood (27:32): Perfect. So, Alyson, wrapping up here, are there any last thoughts or things that you think our listeners should k- keep top of mind that maybe we didn't have a chance to cover Alyson Van Hooser (27:46): we've talked about getting to know other people's stories so you know how to serve them, but I'd like to leave the listeners today thinking about your own story, because you have one and it may be your own story that opens up a door of opportunity for you that you would've never had otherwise Sonia Portwood (28:02): Thank you, Alyson. So tell us, how can our listeners get in touch with you Alyson Van Hooser (28:08): I would love to connect with anyone who this message resonated with. You can reach me at vanhooser.com, and you can get all the information on the keynotes and training we do. And then my contact information is there as well. Vanhooser.com. Sonia Portwood (28:21): Alyson, thank you so much for being with us today. It was such a pleasure. I just love it when our listeners can take something and implement it immediately, and I really think that they can do that with the information that you shared with them today. so again, thank you for joining us. Alyson Van Hooser (28:39): Thank you so much, and just know that I'm wishing you huge success. Sonia Portwood (28:47): Thank you so much. And to our listeners, thank you for tuning in. If you haven’t already, make sure you check out our other episodes and subscribe so you are the first to know when a new episode drops. Also, we are always looking for suggestions on what to cover. So, if you have something in mind or would like to be a guest on our podcast, please let us know by emailing us at bankingoutloud@pcbb.com. Until next time, take care.